im sitting up in my bed rocking side to side because i cant seem to manage back and forth. and i find myself thinking back to when i was in the hospital for my knee surgery, how i bent my knee, my bad one, the one that had been split, and cried when the pain got too much, and how i tugged at my hospital gown, thinking maybe if i wasn’t wearing it i would wake up at home perfectly fine. this is not the case, i threw away the gown they gave me, it triggered too many bad memories. it was seventh grade, my worst year. it is strange how pieces of fabric can remind me of so much hurt. i curl under the blanket, tugging it closer hoping maybe ill wale up and you’ll be beside me and my stomach will stop being empty. my stomach will stay empty for the rest of the night, as well as tomorrow, if i can help it. does this mean i should have kept the hospital gown, or will i just get a new one?
motivational ghost buddies!
today i had a small bowl of cheerios. it tasted like lead and sawdust, much like all food does nowadays. i am making brownies tomorrow, i will not eat any. i will stare longingly at them and maybe cry to myself after dinner with my dad, and then maybe breakdown and eat some and then hurt myself because i am not supposed to be eating. i will drink liquids that do nothing more than fill me up and let me run on fumes of past meals. i will do this while i am house sitting and pray to the air that i do not faint or pass out or need medical attention. i have been lying again, it disgusts me that i do, but i am much more afraid of disappointing those close than being truthful about my almost empty day. i want nothing more than to curl up and be held yet at the same time i am terrified of growing close to people because i makes hating myself very hard, for whenever i put myself down they supply me with reasons i cannot see. i am messed up int the head, i am sick and twisted and looking into a funhouse mirror where i only see a small blob of myself, and even then i am not small enough
after reblogging this i opened up a card my great aunt gave me it has money in itIt could be a complete coincidence but I reblogged this yesterday and toda I fouund $40 at the fruit maket
when you got nothing you got nothing to lose
I got a job after reblogging this !
Just got a job